Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
