There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
