If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
