u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
there is glitter all over my balls
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
