am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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