This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
my being single is dangerous.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
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You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
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I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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