I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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