You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
if i died would you start the facebook group?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
