so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
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