Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
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He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
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I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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