you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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