I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
