she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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