I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
