I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
FUCK WHALES
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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