how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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