I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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