New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
my being single is dangerous.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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