My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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