I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
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