so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
