hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
