i always forget guys have bellybuttons
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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