If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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