So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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