This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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