we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
