i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
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I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
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Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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