idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
