Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
