I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
