Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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