I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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