If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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