look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
