The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Redeem this text for a blowjob
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
