Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
