do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
