last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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