In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
