I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
