You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
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I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
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how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.