Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.