If that was your dad, he is hot
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
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I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
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You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito