I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
