Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
he thought i was a dude.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
be right there i have to get my cape
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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