After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
