Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
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we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
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I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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