I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
