member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
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why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
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I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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