Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Are these your boobs on my camera?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
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