turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
