His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Alive.
So much puke
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
