I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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