I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
