my mouth tastes like poor choices
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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