He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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