I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
