so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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