If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
this hospital has no fireball
I need to wash the frat house off of me
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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