She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Randomize
