Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
