You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Randomize
