yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
