Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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