I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
