The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
