Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
